


The Leadup

by AngelsGuts



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-26 18:30:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19773940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsGuts/pseuds/AngelsGuts
Summary: The moments leading up to Sayori's suicide - what more can I say?





	The Leadup

_ “It must be hard… Carrying this burden…” _

_ “Imagine how hard it will be on him when he finds out…” _

_ “Maybe you should get rid of the problem before it happens, yanno? I know, that sounds cruel, but you understand, don’t you? If not for your own betterment, then for his!” _

_ “I’ll give you some time to think about it. I know it’s a lot to take in, but I think it’s what’s best. For you  _ **_and_ ** _ for him.” _

The words circled in Sayori’s brain, swarming her even more intensely than before she had confessed - even more than they had before she had opened her  _ big, dumb mouth _ . 

Maybe if she hadn’t said anything. Maybe if she didn’t let him see. Maybe if things went right back to the way they were, the thorns in her heart wouldn’t constrict further by the second.

But he knew now. He knew and though he said he loved her, though he held her tightly and pressed a soft kiss to the side of her head, she knew. She knew it was out of pity. She knew he hated her, he always had. If the way he treated her was any indication, she was simply a convenience, something he tolerated. No matter how hard she tried, she was always a nuisance. No matter how many smiles, no matter how carefree she seemed… It was always the same. He always acted with annoyance, like she couldn’t unlock that little bit of happy she felt inside of him. It was hopeless.  _ She  _ was hopeless.

Delicate fingers brushed against the soft fur of her stuffed cow, the large animal being the throne for broken hearts. The soft, pink-haired girl was curled up in its lap, head leaning under its chin as her fingers swirled mindless patterns through the spotted fur. It smelled like home, like her dad. It smelled like safety, like clarity, yet her mind was still fogged, and her heart still hurt. Everything was dulled - from the feeling in her fingers to the emotions in her brain. All she could feel was her heart - aching, broken, constricted - and the cold feeling that had washed over her earlier in the night. Nothing else gave sensation. She wasn’t sure she was breathing; she wasn’t sure she was alive.

Alive.

What good was being alive?

What good did she do? Other than try her best, which obviously wasn’t enough. She could barely get out of bed every day, could barely get dressed, couldn’t even brush her hair. When she stared at herself in the mirror, she saw her bright blue eyes laced with a hidden evil. Nobody else seemed to notice, perhaps the bright red bow in her hair distracted them. She was laced with evil. It coursed through her veins. No matter what she did to try and stop it, it was there. It was there, inside of her, only ever growing. No amount of throwing it up made it lessen, no amount of neglect made it disappear. It just kept growing, growing, growing.

Alive…

Monika was right. She shouldn’t be alive. She was only a burden, she would only hurt him in the long run. Her depression… It would only drag him down. How could she do that to him? Him, the boy she loved and has loved for years, with all of her heart. How could she ever justify holding him back like that? Hurting him like that? 

She couldn’t.

Monika was right.

She should lift his burden.

Slowly, Sayori stood, off-balance, with fog over her eyes. Thin fingers ran over the hem of her shorts, clinging to them in thought as she contemplated things one last time. Her thoughts only confirmed her choice, reminding her of everyone in her life, how her disappearance would be better for all of them, a blessing even.

Her mother… She was a busy woman, anyway. She knew she stressed her out, there was no way she didn’t. She would be so much happier without her. Without her making her get to work late, without worrying her when she got sick, or couldn’t eat, or ate too much. She would be so much happier without the burden of a daughter born from a man she didn’t love.

Monika… She had already given her the OK. Monika was incredibly intelligent - how could she possibly defy her? If Monika had said it’d be best, then… It must’ve been the best option. What right did she have to say no? Did she think she was smarter than the smartest girl in school? That was insulting,  _ obviously _ she wasn’t.

Natsuki, Yuri… As long as Monika said so, they’d be okay. They’d understand, Monika would explain. She knew they would trust her, that they knew she was smart. They’d probably even agree with her. They’d be fine.

And she had already given plenty of reason for  _ him _ to be okay with it…

So what was she waiting for?

It was already decided. Now she just had to put it into action.

In the dark of the night, led only by the flashlight on her phone, she made her way through her house. Quietly down the stairs, quietly across the kitchen, quietly out the door.

She rounded the corner to the backyard, quickly making her way to the shed to find something to use. She opened the door as quietly as she possibly could, looking around for good measure before stepping inside and running her light over the dingy objects.

There were a lot of things she could use : saws, screwdrivers, rat poison… But all of that was… Too much. Perhaps the poison was her best option, in comparison. 

Slowly, she made her way towards the box, hand hovering over it before something else caught her eye. 

In the back corner, hidden by a toolbox, laid a rope. It was a little old, a little dirty, but perfect nonetheless. She reached for it, and when she held it in her hands, everything clicked. This was it, this was perfect. Everything had aligned for this moment.

The moon shone in from the dust-covered window, the loose particles in the room glowing like little stars around her as she stood there, rope in her hands. Her thumb ran over the rough material, and with no more hesitation, she left the shed, closing it up again and quickly making her way back to her bedroom.

When the door shut behind her, it felt like she was completely on auto-pilot. Finally,  _ finally _ , she felt nothing. She didn’t feel the thorns, she didn’t feel her heart, she didn’t feel cold. She felt numb, nothingness embracing her, puppeting her every movement. It held her hand, brought her around the room, led her to where it needed her. The chair from her desk was brought near her bed, the rope was draped over an old hook that was once used to hold a princess canopy over her bed, the noose was tied.

And that was that.

Dull blue eyes stared out into her room, taking it in one last time. She allowed herself a glance at her neighbor’s house, pain shooting through her once more as she looked at his window, curtained and hiding, just like him.

She turned back, tears burning in her eyes. She made a mistake, she brought the pain back. It had felt so good to finally feel nothing - she needed that again.

The roughness of the rope around her neck was uncomfortable, but she was sure she could bear it more than a saw or screwdriver. She tightened the noose, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, drinking in her last moment of life.

And then it was over.

She kicked the chair, the force from the fall startling her. The pressure around her neck… The rubbing of the rope… Her hands went to it, desperately begging it to go faster.

Time ticked by too slowly, death only slowly bleeding into her vision. She gasped and clawed, praying to God or anyone who would listen, begging for release already. The air slowly left her lungs, burning her on the way out. Any time she gasped, the flames grew hotter, soon engulfing her.

This pain was nothing compared to the thorns around her heart.

The fire was necessary to clear the way, to burn them down.

And once the flames swallowed her whole, burned away all of the evil, it was done.

Lifelessly, she dangled from the rope like an ornament on a tree.

It was over now. There was no more pain. There was no more anything.

And when he came to find her. When he threw up in the trashcan next to her dresser by the door…

There was nothing.

Everything went right back to normal, back to the way it should’ve been.


End file.
